آج پھر جینے کی تمنا ہے Aaj Phir Jeene Ki Tamanna Hai — Today, Again, the Wish to Live

Sahir Ludhianvi

1921– 1980

Geet

Somebody who has spent years being kept in place discovers, mid-song, that she is walking. Today again the wish to live is here, the song begins, and today again the intention to die, and the pair of lines is the whole situation: the old sentence of her life and the new sentence she is speaking over it. The song is the sound of a person deciding, in four minutes, to leave.

Sahir Ludhianvi wrote it for the film Guide in 1965, for the moment the film's heroine walks out of the house she has been confined to. Lata Mangeshkar sang it over S. D. Burman's music. Four passages ahead, and every one of them is the same act repeated with different weather: the leaving, and the wonder at finding it possible.

01 — kaanton se kheench ke ye aanchal

کانٹوں سے کھینچ کے یہ آنچل
توڑ کے بندھن باندھے پائل
کوئی نہ روکے دل کی اڑان کو
دل وہ چلا، ہاں ہاں ہاں ہاں ہاں
آج پھر جینے کی تمنا ہے
آج پھر مرنے کا ارادہ ہے

काँटों से खींच के ये आँचल
तोड़ के बंधन बाँधे पायल
कोई ना रोके दिल की उड़ान को
दिल वो चला, हाँ हाँ हाँ हाँ हाँ
आज फिर जीने की तमन्ना है
आज फिर मरने का इरादा है

kaanton se kheench ke ye aanchal
todd ke bandhan baandhe paayal
koi na roke dil ki udaan ko
dil voh chala, haan haan haan haan haan
aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai
aaj phir marne ka iraada hai

Drawing this dupatta free of the thorns, breaking the bonds, tying on the anklet: let no one stop the flight of the heart. The heart, it has gone, yes, yes, yes. Today, again, the wish to live is here. Today, again, the intention to die is here.

The passage is the escape in three actions, and the actions are all the body's. The dupatta is pulled from the thorns, the bonds broken, the anklet tied: the last of the three is the tell, because the anklet is the ornament of the dancer, put on by someone who is about to move. The heart's udaan, its flight, is the passage's word for the escape, and the refrain that follows keeps the old sentence alive in the same breath as the new one, which is what an escape sounds like from inside.

تمنا tamanna: a wish, a longing
ارادہ iraada: an intention, a resolve
آنچل aanchal: the loose end of a dupatta or sari
پایل payal: an anklet strung with bells

02 — apne hi bas mein nahin main

اپنے ہی بس میں نہیں میں
دل ہے کہیں تو ہوں کہیں میں
جانے کیا پا کے میری زندگی نے
ہنس کے کہا، ہاں ہاں ہاں ہاں ہاں

अपने ही बस में नहीं मैं
दिल है कहीं तो हूँ कहीं मैं
जाने क्या पा के मेरी ज़िन्दगी ने
हँस के कहा, हाँ हाँ हाँ हाँ हाँ

apne hi bas mein nahin main
dil hai kahin toh hoon kahin main
jaane kya paa ke meri zindagi ne
hans ke kaha, haan haan haan haan haan

I am not in my own control. My heart is somewhere, and I am somewhere. Who knows what my life found, that it said, laughing: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The passage is the self's report on the state it is in, and the report is a confession of being split: the heart is somewhere else, and the body is here, which is the definition of the condition the song is singing from. The last two lines are the passage's wonder, jaane kya paa ke, who knows what it found, and the laughter in the answer, hans ke kaha, haan: the life itself is laughing at the discovery. The yes, yes, yes of the refrain is the life's own voice, and it is the sound of a decision being made.

03 — main hoon khumaar ya toofaan hoon

میں ہوں خمار یا طوفان ہوں
کوئی بتائے میں کہاں ہوں
ڈر ہے سفر میں کہیں کھو نہ جاؤں
رستہ نیا، آ آ آ آ آ

मैं हूँ ख़ुमार या तूफ़ान हूँ
कोई बताए मैं कहाँ हूँ
डर है सफ़र में कहीं खो ना जाऊँ
रस्ता नया, आ आ आ आ आ

main hoon khumaar ya toofaan hoon
koi bataaye main kahan hoon
dar hai safar mein kahin kho na jaun
rasta naya, aa aa aa aa aa

Am I an intoxication or a storm? Let someone tell me where I am. I am afraid of being lost somewhere on the journey: the road is new. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

The passage names the two possible states of the escape, khumaar and toofaan, the dizziness and the storm, and cannot choose between them, which is the honesty of the song: the woman does not know what she has become. The fear is the one the song allows, safar mein kho na jaun, that the new road will lose her, and the rasta naya, the new road, is the passage's gift. The fear and the road are the same thing, and the song walks anyway.

خمار khumaar: the heaviness left behind by intoxication

04 — kal ke andheron se nikal ke

کل کے اندھیروں سے نکل کے
دیکھا ہے آنکھیں ملتے ملتے
پھول ہی پھول، زندگی بہار ہے
تے کر لیا، آ آ آ آ آ

कल के अँधेरों से निकल के
देखा है आँखें मलते मलते
फूल ही फूल, ज़िन्दगी बहार है
तय कर लिया, आ आ आ आ आ

kal ke andheron se nikal ke
dekha hai aankhen malte malte
phool hi phool, zindagi bahaar hai
tay kar liya, aa aa aa aa aa

Coming out of yesterday's darkness, I have seen, rubbing my eyes awake: flowers and only flowers, life is spring. The decision is made. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

The passage is the song's arrival, and the arrival is a sight. The eyes, rubbed awake, aankhen malte malte, are the eyes of someone who has just left a dark room, and the sight is the song's verdict: phool hi phool, flowers and only flowers, life is spring. Tay kar liya, the decision is made, is the one line the whole song has been walking toward, and the refrain closes over it without repeating the old sentence, which is the song's final act: the intention to die has simply been dropped. The song ends where all escapes end, at the decision, made and kept.

بہار bahaar: spring
طے tay: settled, decided

Reading it whole

The song is a walking song, and it never once mentions walking. The refrain pairs the two sentences that have governed the singer's life, jeene ki tamanna and marne ka iraada, the wish to live and the intention to die, and the song's whole work is to make the second one unnecessary. By the end of the song, the intention to die has been dropped without being argued with, which is how the biggest decisions are made in this tradition.

The opening passage is the body's report on the escape. The dupatta is drawn from the thorns, the bonds are broken and the anklet tied, and nobody is allowed to stop the flight of the heart: the heart has already gone. The passage is entirely action, kaanton se khinch ke, tod ke, baandhe, and the action is the song's argument. The leaving is described before it is justified.

The middle passages are the self's inventory, and the inventory is a confession of not knowing. I am not in my own control, my heart is somewhere and I am somewhere. Am I an intoxication or a storm, the singer asks, and the question is the point: the state she is in is new enough that she cannot name it. The fear of the road, darr hai safar mein kahin kho na jaun, rasta naya, is the only fear the song allows, and it is answered by the refrain, which has become a promise by now.

The last passage is where the old darkness is finally named and dismissed. Kal ke andheron se nikal ke, coming out of yesterday's darkness, the eyes have seen, rubbing them awake: phool hi phool, zindagi bahaar hai, tay kar liya. It is all flowers, life is spring, and the decision is made. The song ends with the refrain at full voice, and the tay kar liya, the decision taken, is the one line the whole song was moving toward. Lata Mangeshkar's voice, with the film's famous sequence of the woman walking through the streets, made the song the anthem of every quiet escape in Indian cinema since.

Recordings

Lata Mangeshkar

From Guide (1965), composed by S. D. Burman.

Text and rights

Devanagari text supplied and checked by a reader who knows the language. The Urdu script and the transliteration follow that reading.

The song is from the film Guide (1965), composed by S. D. Burman, lyrics Sahir Ludhianvi. The refrain returns between passages in the recording more often than it is printed here.

Sahir Ludhianvi died in 1980, so this poem is still in copyright. It is quoted here as the subject of Harf's own criticism: the translation, the reading of each passage and the essay around them are original work written for this page. If you hold the rights and would like something changed, tell us on Instagram.